“Pizza, pizza, pizza… pizza to stop” I thought and tried,
but I wasn’t stopping. I kept going faster and faster down the slope while snow
slapped like frozen cotton balls into my face and a large tree came closer and
closer and the premature deaths of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono within a week
of each other flashed through my head.
I probably shouldn’t have tried skiing… I’m not athletic and
racing down a snow-covered mountain at 80 miles per hour requires a certain
level of physical ability. Besides, if I was going to try skiing I should have
done it when I was younger and didn’t have a family… along with me… on the top
of a snow blanketed Rocky. But there I was, 42, six foot three, 225 pounds,
more likely to cause an avalanche then perform a downhill, wrapped in wicking
underwear, two layers of sweaters, ski pants and a ten-pound ski parka. I had
the full mobility of Hannibal Lector strapped to a hand truck.
Oddly, I wasn’t scared. Okay, I was pretty scared.
I probably shouldn’t have tried skiing but at the time I was
making good money and skiing is one of those expensive things that people who
make good money do. Luckily I’m no
longer doing that well and am much less inclined to do it again.
Anyway, having never skied before I was aware that this could
be the only time I ever did. I decided I would do it right and that meant
Colorado. That way when friends talked about their ski vacations I could join
in and not be some kind of Big-Bear Bunny-Run failure. I’d be able say, “I’ve
skied Colorado,” carrying the gravitas of Bogart’s “We’ll always have Paris,” which
was so much more romantic than “We’ll always have San Bernardino.” And right
now, standing here, I can say that I’ve skied Colorado and leave it at that.
Unfortunately, that’s not all there is. It never is. There
were winds and deep snow and steep mountains and frigid air and trees. There
were trees.
We were scheduled to fly out early on the morning of
December 26. The night before, after a long Jewish Christmas, we cleaned up the
house, threw away the wrappings and boxes, and dragged the tree out to our
front yard where it would be picked up by a tree service. When you’re doing
well you pay for weird things like having your old Christmas tree picked up by
a service.
My wife lit some candles on our ersatz fireplace mantle. My
daughter read to herself from a picture book and my son played with a brand new
hand-held video game arcade he’d been given. I lay awake in bed the way one does when one
knows he is waking early, marking away the passing of each hour by convincing
myself that I’d be fine with four decent hours of sleep, that I’d be fine with
a solid three hours of sleep, that I’d be fine with a power two hours of sleep.
Luckily I was still awake when it was
time to leave for LAX.
I booked us into a hotel in downtown Denver. I figured we’d
spend a day on the slopes and the rest exploring a great American city that
none of us had ever seen before. Denver’s the capital of Colorado and we could
see the capitol dome from our hotel room. As I was looking at the dome my wife
asked me, “Did you blow out the candles on the mantle?” I had no memory of
doing so and neither did she.
While we had cell phones, this was in the days of the flip
phone when you didn’t have an entire Rolodex on your phone like you do now. In
fact you still knew what a Rolodex was. A panicked call to information followed
with an even more panicked message being left on our landlord’s answering
machine. About thirty minutes later, our landlord called to say she was in our
living room and the candles had not only been blown out, but also had apparently
been put away too. She wanted to know why we’d left our Christmas tree in the
front yard. “We went skiing,” my wife explained.
“In Colorado,” I added.
The next morning we had Denver omelets for breakfast; when
in Rome right? I looked at my two cherubs and imagined that they would shine on
the slopes having inherited some previously undiscovered athletic ability from
my wife’s side. As we went to our room to get our stuff for the day, my son
tripped over my daughter’s foot and smashed his one-day old hand-held video
arcade into the wall, shattering it.
“Did I break it?” he asked. “I’m not sure,” I lied, wanting
him to believe he owned it for more than a day. I hid it in my suitcase with a
plan to buy an exact replacement when were back in LA, a plan that never came
to fruition.
Soon we set out to explore Denver. My Santa-Monica-raised
children had never experienced sub-freezing weather, let alone the single-
digit day Denver was having. They began to sob, causing us to buy additional
gloves, scarves and knitted hats to get us back to the hotel, where we watched
Nickelodeon, ate snacks, and looked through the window at the capitol dome.
One day I would still like to see Denver.
The next morning we got up at five to have breakfast, put
together our ski outfits, and get to the railroad station. We had reservations
on the seven AM ski train to Winter Park. It was colder and darker than the day
before and the wind felt like an ice-covered sledgehammer. Still, bundled in
our ski clothes, it wasn’t that bad.
The train however was heated to what felt like 100 degrees
and we had to peel and peel and peel. I got down to jeans and long underwear
just not to collapse.
As the sun rose the train began our trek. Industrial Denver
rushed by the windows only to turn into the slope of the Rockies. We climbed
above the city. We were cocooned in the train’s dizzying heat as winds and
flurries danced over the barren ground around us.
My son danced too so I asked if he needed the bathroom. He
looked at me like this was the most brilliant suggestion anyone had ever made ever
and nodded furiously. I pointed it out to him and watched him head down the
aisle. I realized he had never used a bathroom on a train before, which had me
a bit nervous, but I figured, he’s a smart kid, he’ll figure it out. He came
back much calmer and happier. He explained that it was hard to pee in the toilet
with the train rocking.
I went off to the bathroom myself only to discover the floor
soaked with my child’s urine, sloshing to perfect rhythm with the song of the
steels wheels on the steel rails.
We neared Moffatt Tunnel, which we were told is the longest
railroad tunnel in North America, spanning the Continental Divide. The
conductor announced that vestibules had to be sealed to keep the train from
filling with diesel exhaust. I was starting to question the whole idea of a
Colorado ski trip when the assistant conductor came on the PA and told everyone
that we had to have all our ski clothes on and all of our personal property
packed because the moment we came out of the tunnel we would detrain very rapidly.
It seems that the train had to stop on the mainline and
there were monster coal trains waiting to get through so we were only allowed a
few moments. Okay, I can do this, I thought, dressing my son while my wife
dressed my daughter. We were all bundled, Jews in bubble wrap, ready to go,
when the conductor came back and said, “Ladies and Gentleman, put the long
underwear on if you have it. It’s ten degrees with a wind-chill factor of
negative five.”
It was ten degrees out with wind chill factor of negative
five and there was a colossal coal train waiting to use the tracks so we all had
to scamper like vermin facing a can of Raid?
The words that ran through my brain at that moment were,
“I’ve killed my family.”
Somehow we detrained, got into the lodge, rented skis, put on
the skis, and found our way to the ski teacher. “This is going to be a good
story to tell,” my wife said. Little did she realize that was the only reason I
was doing it. “Yeah, I’ve skied Colorado. How’s the rock shrimp and endive
salad?”
The ski teacher was an Australian Olympian (at least he
seemed like one). I’m sure Jim Lampley interviewed him once on Wide World of Sports. He had zero body
fat, a Crocodile Dundee accent, and the kind of charisma that only a
good-looking foreigner in an expensive ski parka can have. I felt very
important and wealthy having an Australian ski teacher.
He took us to something called the magic carpet, which was
basically a moving walkway like you see at the airport, only shorter, running
up a very gentle hill. Think of a front lawn in New Jersey, in a nice
neighborhood with hills, add some snow and the moving walkway from the airport
and you get the idea of where we were most of our ski day. I flew my family to
Colorado to ski on a hill that I could probably have pushed a stalled Cadillac
up… by myself.
The four of us rode the magic carpet up the gentle hill
while our wallaby shusser skied up. As a kraken-sized coal train trundled below
us, we were taught that you point your skis like French fries to go and like
pizza to stop. He taught us how to get up from a fall with skis on, which I
felt was sort of like the driving teacher teaching you how to install a new
airbag after a crash.
Over the next hour or so each of us skied five feet here,
seven feet there, monumental runs that thrilled us and had us all dehydrated
and desperate for cup after cup of the icy cold water from a cooler perched
near the top of the magic carpet.
It’s amazing how willing one is to move in sub-zero weather
and with the equivalent of a couple steel-belted truck tires’ worth of clothing
around them for a cup of water. I cross country skied my way back to the magic
carpet, carefully placing each ski on it with all the agility of a moose… that
was wearing skis. Once on top, I sucked a cup of water down the way one does in
the desert and then made my next run down the mountain, which was more like the
slope of a dog’s back… not when it’s sitting, but when it’s standing on all
four legs. French fry was effective. Pizza on the other hand, not so much.
Soon my five-year old was done for the day and my wife took
her into the ski lodge while my seven-year old, our astonishingly patient and
kind Aussie ski instructor, and I shared a ski-lift seat up the mountain to
take what we learned and perform a downhill run.
Did I mention this was in the days before smart phones?
Because I think of all the times in my life that I didn’t have a camera,
besides the first time I got naked with a girlfriend, there are few others I
regret not having at camera with me anything like riding up the ski lift in
Winter Park, Colorado, over the pure-white slope with thousands of
hundred-foot-tall pine trees all around us, each holding foot-high layers of snowy
powder upon each and every branch, extending as far as I could see. It was one of the most beautiful things I’d
ever seen, ranking just below, once again, the first time I ever got naked with
a girlfriend.
I turned to my Vegemite-loving teacher and asked him if this
was a smart thing for us to do. He assured me that we were just taking the easy
hill. Besides, I was doing well and
would be okay going down the mountain myself. He added that this was why people
came to Colorado.
I was doing well. I had a sudden boost of confidence, very
similar to the time I got an “A” in Geometry despite having had no idea
whatsoever what the teacher had been talking about all semester.
As the ski lift reached its zenith our instructor told us
how to jump off and come up standing. I fell on my face. But he reminded me how
to get up with skis on and I got up and brushed myself off and I followed him
to the course. Meanwhile, on what seemed a couple miles lower than us another
coal train decimated everything in its path, while on what seemed a couples
miles higher than us, skiers raced down an absolute vertical, shussing through
the trees like they were negative magnets and the trees were positives.
Then, with a flick of the poles, my son and our instructor
began the run. I followed, trying to go as slowly as I possibly could, but it
was really just a few seconds before I was out of control. I crashed into a
pile of snow to stop. I took a deep breath and discovered that standing with
skis on wasn’t quite as simple without instruction. I looked down the run and
saw the kangaroo man and my son gently French frying and pizza-ing while faster
skiers passed them. I was happy to have given my son a Rocky Mountain high.
I took a deep breath and tried again. I was going well… too
well… I was up to what I estimate to be 80 miles an hour within five seconds,
which is pretty good when you consider a Porsche needs about seven seconds to
reach that speed.
This was the easy hill.
I passed my son and our ski instructor. I’d like to say I
saw a look of concern on their faces, but I’m going to be honest, I was passing
at too high a rate of speed for light to catch up with me, so I probably was
looking at what their faces had been seconds earlier.
“Pizza, pizza, pizza… pizza to stop” I thought and tried,
but I wasn’t stopping. I kept going faster and faster down the slope while snow
slapped like frozen cotton balls into my face and a large tree came closer and
closer and the premature deaths of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono within a week
of each other flashed through my head.
I hit the side of the tree, hard enough that it hurt, but
not hard enough to break anything. I fell into a mound of snow and rocks and
twigs however that did hurt. I lay there for a bit, delighted beyond delight to
no longer be moving. Man being stationary felt great. But I also realized I was
only about a quarter of the way down. My son and the teacher pizzad perfectly
to where I was. He told me once again how to get up with skis on and all three
of us made our way back to the run.
The only additional instruction I heard was, “lean back.”
By this point snow had gotten into my son’s boot and he
began to wail in pain. Our instructor was now left with the job of getting both
of us off the mountain. He warmed my son’s foot with his bare hand, which
stopped the crying. Then he picked my son up, skis and all, and put him on his
back. He skied gently and slowly right by my side, speaking Australian, as a
leaned back and pizzad the entire way down. All I could think was, “it’s so
cold, I’m so thirsty, there’s so much more mountain left.”
When we finally reached the bottom I knew that this man had
saved both my and my son’s lives (all right I’m being a bit of a drama queen,
but seriously, if not for him, we’d both still be on that mountain trying to
figure out how we were getting down). I reached into my wallet and pulled out a
few bills. They weren’t ones or fives. I tipped him a happy-ending level
gratuity, not that I have any idea what a happy ending tip should be, but
rather… honestly, I’m just guessing here.
As we found my wife and daughter and all shared hot
chocolate, as one does when one skies in Colorado, I felt good… and not just because
I’d taken my ski boots off, which is possibly the greatest non-erotic orgasm known
to man. I was proud of myself. I had skied… not just that, but I had skied
Colorado.
And now, I could say that and would never have to do it
again.